The Green Eyed Monster

So on June 9th we babysat for some friends of our that just had a baby. It was a chance for them to go out to dinner and enjoy some well deserved time together. Well, we discovered an interesting new side to Bailey's personality, jealousy. Whenever Jennifer was holding Abigail, Bailey would freak out and demand that Jennifer hold her. At this point Jenn handed the baby off to me. No sooner did the infant touch my fingertips than Bailey completely forgot about her mother and demanded that I hold her. She did not like seeing us with another baby. Far from being concerned we found the whole thing hilarious, she is such a little drama queen sometimes.

Count Your Blessings

It is amazing how taking a look into the life of someone else can make you appreciate the things that you have. Today at work I was fitting a gentleman for a suit, he had told me it was for a funeral and then proceeded to ask me about proper etiquette as far as choosing a color, did it have to be black, etc. I told him that it really depended upon his relationship to the deceased and their personal tastes. It was then that I learned that the funeral was for his wife. He could not have been older than his early forties, far too young to have to go through with this and yet there he was. Immediately upon finishing up I called Jennifer to tell her how very much I love her. I am so grateful to have her and Bailey in my life.

Life it turns out is a fragile thing, knowing this helps me appreciate that much more the time that I have now with these two special ladies in my life.

To post or not to post.

I have been debating about whether or not to post on the following. I guess I am really not sure how I want to use this blog. I'm not much for getting preachy or overly political, I've mostly just wanted to reach out to the friends that we have made over the years and keep them up to date with a few quirky stories and some fun pictures. As I think about it now I do realize that I want for this to be something more, I would like for this to be a family history, abbreviated granted but a family history nonetheless. For that purpose I feel that I must share tradgedies to go along with the triumphs so it is in that vein that I offer the following.

It was in the first part of April that Jennifer and I experienced, what was for us, a miracle. We both received the strongest impression that Jennifer was pregnant. For those of you unfamiliar in our nearly eight years of marriage we have only ever managed to get pregnant on one other occasion which ended after only a few weeks in a miscarriage. We have tried throughout the years even retaining a fertility doctor for help but after month after month of disappointment we had simply given up. Try to imagine then our surprise upon our both feeling convinced that at long last we were finally pregnant. At this point it was only intuition but it felt so right. Immediately we tried to watch Jenn's diet and her activity. We were being very careful after our first experience, but despite our best efforts we felt hope, something we had tried very hard not to feel.

After a week or so of this I came home late from work one night and Jenn insisted that there was something that I had to see. She led me upstairs and into the bathroom and simply pointed at the counter. I was confused at first, looking this way and that for what I was supposed to notice until finally my eyes rested upon the pregnancy test sitting upon the counter. There were two lines as blue as could be, I reached for the instructions wanting to be sure I understood the significance of those two little lines but once my eyes finally met Jennifer's she simply nodded her head. I felt such a wave of exultation at that moment, I lifted Jenn in my arms and beamed at my beautiful wife. Somehow I just knew that this time everything would be alright.

Still trying to suppress our excitement we confided our good news with close family. Jennifer went to the doctor for a redundant test which confirmed our earlier results. Her doctor ordered ultrasounds and some blood work to be done just to be sure. The ultrasound allowed for us to see the embryonic sac and Jenn's blood work revealed her hormone levels were not only good but even slightly high. Everything only worked to confirm what we already knew, we were going to have another baby (Bailey counts, say otherwise and I will fight you).

As more and more good news came in our good news chain got longer and longer as we allowed more people into our confidence. I appointed myself as Jennifer's nutritionist and tried to cram food down her at every available opportunity. When I would come home from work I would quiz her about what she had eaten, how long ago it had been and how much she had actually consumed, I would then try to plan a meal that would supply whatever nutrients I felt she was in need of. These weeks could best be described as a sort of giddy delirium for me, but it was not to last.

On Friday May fifteenth I was up early with Bailey and decided to get the grocery shopping done. I left for the store while Jenn was still in bed. Upon arriving home the phone was ringing, it was a nurse from Jenn's obstetrician's office, she informed me that Tuesday was the earliest that the OB could see her and that she should go to the emergency room immediately so they could follow up on the bleeding. My heart sank. I ran upstairs to see Jenn bawling, I hugged her and relayed the message barely holding back tears of my own.

It was a somber drive to the hospital. Our doctor was great, he gave us some hope telling us that it is not that uncommon to bleed in the first trimester but that they would conduct some tests to be sure, an ultrasound and a pelvic exam were ordered and we waited. I called Jenn's mom to help with Bailey and as soon as she answered I just could not hold it together anymore. I could barely get a word out but she quickly understood the gravity of the situation, she came straightway and took Bailey. I should add that Bailey was perfect throughout all of this, she was absolutely charming and adorable our whole time at the hospital. She was a much needed angel in what was a very difficult time.

Once we were wheeled into the ultrasound room the true gravity of the situation hit us. Although the ultrasound tech was not allowed to discuss our results they were written all over his face. Things did not look good. Later in the room Jenn asked if I saw the heartbeat and when I replied that I hadn't we knew that it was a lost cause. We went through the rest of the formalities of the hospital but finally they confirmed our suspicions, the baby was lost, another miscarriage.

Please, understand that we are doing fine, not great but fine. I am amazed at the faith of my sweet wife as she has borne her afflictions with a smile, humbly accepting the Lord's will. I have not done as well. I get choked up, whenever I see someone who is pregnant, I cannot understand why we can't be. I am so confused because I just knew this time that everything would be fine, that everything would work out but I do not understand how. To express a cliche, it's not fair.

I love my daughter with all my heart, she is the light of my life and the apple of my eye, whatever that means. I just had always imagined that there would be more than one, that Bailey would have brothers and sisters, and yes, I know there is still time but try to understand just how much I want to hold those children in my arms now, I want to meet them and know their names I want to be their dad, now.

We have not given up either, as soon as we get the reimbursement from Bailey's adoption we hope to start the process again. We hope to bring another child into our home and then another and maybe another, but until that time I will be the best husband and father that I know how to be, I love you Jenn and I love you Bailey.

Does anyone else have this problem?

So it has become nearly impossible to get a quality candid picture of my child. She loves buttons and anything with a light up screen is a plus so naturally every time we try to take her picture instead of catching some adorable moment of her childhood we instead end up with one of a long series of pictures of her reaching the camera. If I don't take the picture fast enough it is just an extreme close up of her forehead. I try to be sneaky but to no avail, she knows when the camera is out and she wants it. Below are some of my favorite examples, they range from sweet to cranky and then on to downright ornery, enjoy.

Well that doesn't happen every day.

So on Sunday May 17th we had a special stake conference with Elder Anderson presiding. We got to the chapel just minutes before it started and of course with an apostle there it was just busting at the seams. Jennifer and I were about to see if we could find seats in the gym when Brother Gardner from our ward walked in and asked if we needed seats, we replied in the affirmative and he guided us up to the front of the chapel, just three rows from the stand.

Well after the opening speaker and musical number the program simply read something to the effect of "Elder Anderson to determine the balance of the meeting". He had decided that he wanted to hear from someone who was at each of the three special meeting they had, he noticed Jenn and asked the stake presidency about her. They all thought it was a great idea so President Earl went up to the podium and asked Jennifer to share her thoughts on the Friday meeting. Once she was finally convinced that he had in fact said her name she made her way up there, I thought that she was going to faint, bear in mind this was a huge meeting. President Chamberlain later confided that he feared she might throw up.

Once Jennifer got to the microphone however, something amazing happened. The Spirit really blessed her in knowing what to say. I have never heard her speak that clearly, concisely and with that level of conviction. I was so proud of my wife, she was amazing. What a neat experience to be noticed by one of the apostles and for them to place that much trust in you. I knew that she was equal to the task.

Star Trek

Well kudos to J.J. Abrams, Matthew and Jennifer give Star Trek two enthusiastic thumbs up. The movie was well written, well paced and a whole lot of fun. Critics referred to it as this years Iron Man and after seeing it I understand why, it was an example of a good action movie. You can still have characters and personal drama amidst all of the explosions and such.

The only criticism that I would have is that I would have liked to see the Enterprise itself as more of a character, I would have liked to see it play more of a part in the action but that was minor and might have been awkward to try to fit in. I'm really interested to see our Trekker fans take on the movie. (That's you Christy)

Holy...well that about says it.

Elder David A. Bednar

Elder Neil L. Anderson

Elder W. Craig Zwick

It's not everyday that you get to go to a stake center and hear the teachings of two apostles and a seventy but that was our privilege just last evening. Elders Bednar, Anderson and Zwick have come to our area and last night they held a special meeting for all young adults within a nine stake area. The meeting was amazing and Elder Bednar managed to keep it fun at the same time, I didn't realize that he had such a sense of humor. He actually made several jokes about Mormon culture and tried to clearly delineate the difference between the culture and the gospel. The meeting also took an interesting format, it was conducted completely as a question and answer session with the overall theme being to encourage us to recieve revelation for ourselves. Elder Bednar made the point repeatedly that we did not need to come to a meeting with two apostles and a seventy to recieve inspiration, they had the same scriptures that we have and we are therefore able, with the help of the Spirit, to obtain answers for problems pertinant to our lives directly from the Lord. It felt good to know that we were in the right place.

I have to share one memorable event. We knew that the stake center was going to be crowded but unfortunately due to the demands of getting a babysitter and my having to work we were not able to get there quite as early as we would have liked. Well, just as we stepped into the church who else would walk right by us but the general authorities themselves. They were heading into the chapel and I was taken aback to see them right in front of me. It did not seem possible that I was in the presence of two apostles of the Lord and yet there they stood. I think they read the dumbfounded expressions on our faces and stopped to shake our hands. Elder Bednar, I noticed, was really good about asking your name. They had a power and a presence about them.

The evening was an incredible treat. It lasted for two hours and I felt like I could have sat there through the night. I've never been in a church meeting that seemed to fly by quite like that one. I know that those men are servants of the Lord and I am grateful that we had the opportunity to be there.