To post or not to post.

I have been debating about whether or not to post on the following. I guess I am really not sure how I want to use this blog. I'm not much for getting preachy or overly political, I've mostly just wanted to reach out to the friends that we have made over the years and keep them up to date with a few quirky stories and some fun pictures. As I think about it now I do realize that I want for this to be something more, I would like for this to be a family history, abbreviated granted but a family history nonetheless. For that purpose I feel that I must share tradgedies to go along with the triumphs so it is in that vein that I offer the following.

It was in the first part of April that Jennifer and I experienced, what was for us, a miracle. We both received the strongest impression that Jennifer was pregnant. For those of you unfamiliar in our nearly eight years of marriage we have only ever managed to get pregnant on one other occasion which ended after only a few weeks in a miscarriage. We have tried throughout the years even retaining a fertility doctor for help but after month after month of disappointment we had simply given up. Try to imagine then our surprise upon our both feeling convinced that at long last we were finally pregnant. At this point it was only intuition but it felt so right. Immediately we tried to watch Jenn's diet and her activity. We were being very careful after our first experience, but despite our best efforts we felt hope, something we had tried very hard not to feel.

After a week or so of this I came home late from work one night and Jenn insisted that there was something that I had to see. She led me upstairs and into the bathroom and simply pointed at the counter. I was confused at first, looking this way and that for what I was supposed to notice until finally my eyes rested upon the pregnancy test sitting upon the counter. There were two lines as blue as could be, I reached for the instructions wanting to be sure I understood the significance of those two little lines but once my eyes finally met Jennifer's she simply nodded her head. I felt such a wave of exultation at that moment, I lifted Jenn in my arms and beamed at my beautiful wife. Somehow I just knew that this time everything would be alright.

Still trying to suppress our excitement we confided our good news with close family. Jennifer went to the doctor for a redundant test which confirmed our earlier results. Her doctor ordered ultrasounds and some blood work to be done just to be sure. The ultrasound allowed for us to see the embryonic sac and Jenn's blood work revealed her hormone levels were not only good but even slightly high. Everything only worked to confirm what we already knew, we were going to have another baby (Bailey counts, say otherwise and I will fight you).

As more and more good news came in our good news chain got longer and longer as we allowed more people into our confidence. I appointed myself as Jennifer's nutritionist and tried to cram food down her at every available opportunity. When I would come home from work I would quiz her about what she had eaten, how long ago it had been and how much she had actually consumed, I would then try to plan a meal that would supply whatever nutrients I felt she was in need of. These weeks could best be described as a sort of giddy delirium for me, but it was not to last.

On Friday May fifteenth I was up early with Bailey and decided to get the grocery shopping done. I left for the store while Jenn was still in bed. Upon arriving home the phone was ringing, it was a nurse from Jenn's obstetrician's office, she informed me that Tuesday was the earliest that the OB could see her and that she should go to the emergency room immediately so they could follow up on the bleeding. My heart sank. I ran upstairs to see Jenn bawling, I hugged her and relayed the message barely holding back tears of my own.

It was a somber drive to the hospital. Our doctor was great, he gave us some hope telling us that it is not that uncommon to bleed in the first trimester but that they would conduct some tests to be sure, an ultrasound and a pelvic exam were ordered and we waited. I called Jenn's mom to help with Bailey and as soon as she answered I just could not hold it together anymore. I could barely get a word out but she quickly understood the gravity of the situation, she came straightway and took Bailey. I should add that Bailey was perfect throughout all of this, she was absolutely charming and adorable our whole time at the hospital. She was a much needed angel in what was a very difficult time.

Once we were wheeled into the ultrasound room the true gravity of the situation hit us. Although the ultrasound tech was not allowed to discuss our results they were written all over his face. Things did not look good. Later in the room Jenn asked if I saw the heartbeat and when I replied that I hadn't we knew that it was a lost cause. We went through the rest of the formalities of the hospital but finally they confirmed our suspicions, the baby was lost, another miscarriage.

Please, understand that we are doing fine, not great but fine. I am amazed at the faith of my sweet wife as she has borne her afflictions with a smile, humbly accepting the Lord's will. I have not done as well. I get choked up, whenever I see someone who is pregnant, I cannot understand why we can't be. I am so confused because I just knew this time that everything would be fine, that everything would work out but I do not understand how. To express a cliche, it's not fair.

I love my daughter with all my heart, she is the light of my life and the apple of my eye, whatever that means. I just had always imagined that there would be more than one, that Bailey would have brothers and sisters, and yes, I know there is still time but try to understand just how much I want to hold those children in my arms now, I want to meet them and know their names I want to be their dad, now.

We have not given up either, as soon as we get the reimbursement from Bailey's adoption we hope to start the process again. We hope to bring another child into our home and then another and maybe another, but until that time I will be the best husband and father that I know how to be, I love you Jenn and I love you Bailey.